Chasing Anna - April 23, 2002

by Joe Ruelos

Okay, so I'm a fool and I've gotten in over my head. I just hope it's not for nothing. Almost all of my thoughts, even the ones that are supposedly focused on a task (work or music or a movie), so quickly and easily diverted to thoughts about Anna. How can I go from being "okay" and "on top of things" (particularly my emotions and rationality in the last several weeks) to now being completely, totally, utterly, gah-gah for this girl? I haven't been like this in a while actually. I learned that this isn't the best way to go about something like this. I learned that it's better to go on with the present hour (no matter how excrutiating the wait can be), and not go out of my way to "stop the world" or similar. I learned it's better to be patient and I remember other shit like "good things come to those who wait". Maybe I didn't learn, I just made the conclusion that those things are more appropriate. I sound pathetic.

I wonder how she's dealing with this, considering that perhaps she now knows that I'm interested in her. If she's not at all interested, then the answer is simple: she's going on with her life, probably not anxiously awaiting Sunday except for it being another opportunity to attend mass. On the other hand, if she's curious about me and willing (woohoo!) to give me a shot, I do wonder what she's going through. Does she think about me? Is she looking for someone to share her life with like I'm looking? And am I even a remote possibility?

To all these things I want to know the answers, or at least a vague clue. It's that instant gratification thing. I should probably write out my feelings everyday so I can take my mind off of things, or at least writing about it will help me make realizations that I wouldn't by just thinking about things and letting them build up inside of me.

I probably should take the day off. I sit at work almost completely unmotivated to do anything but simply think about Anna all day and how things will go Sunday, not just this Sunday but several future Sundays. Just thinking about how beautiful she is and how lucky I would be if she accepts me into her life, even for at least a little. Oh if you could just see her. Lately, I've been getting those butterfly, stomach-pain things thinking about her, you know, the kind you get when you're totally all about someone? I've been here before, just kinda strange to be going through it again, just when I thought I had everything under control. I wish I could just grow up and hold my horses. I want to leave.

My resolve, as it now seems I've begun to ramble, will be to write about the four meetings we've had so far. I need to get on that so that anyone reading this will not think I'm just some psycho blabbing stuff about something in my imagination. Even still, if I can remember the details, it'll be hard to believe how foolishly immature (basically shy) I've been around her. If only I could get my mack on without it seeming like I'm getting my mack on. Am I just that boring that my best really isn't my best?

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